So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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