Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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