I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
In other news, I just burned my penis
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
