were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
