At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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