Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
