Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
