:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
