Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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