did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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