Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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