Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
