so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I want to fling myself into the sun
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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