its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
