just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
