Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
