Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
