Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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