i used baking grease as lip gloss
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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