Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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