Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
