there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
