Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I forget how to act sober
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
