I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
