I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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