I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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