i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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