dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
