I can text with my tongue
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
