it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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