This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I will be naked everywhere
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
