The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
