just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
