It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
