Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Semen is not good for contacts.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
