You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
