Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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