saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
