please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
