Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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