I think I am morally bankrupt
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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