I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
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