Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
