my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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