ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
