i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
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