his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
