i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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