so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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