I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
