Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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