I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
